


Break me down

by cian1675



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Cuddling & Snuggling, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Pining, Relationship(s), complicated feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-30
Updated: 2017-09-30
Packaged: 2019-01-07 04:05:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12225414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cian1675/pseuds/cian1675
Summary: Kyungsoo always comes when Baekhyun calls but he never tries to be anything more than a best friend.A best friend. Because that is all he can be.[Or, Kyungsoo comforts Baekhyun by holding him as they lie together on Baekhyun's single bed.]





	Break me down

**Author's Note:**

> Written to [CBX's Crush U](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D0JRSgucGMA) on repeat. It was pretty much the inspiration for the feelings I wanted to portray here so if you want to, listen to it while reading.

The text comes late in the afternoon when Kyungsoo’s just gotten into his dorm and is ready to shed his flannel shirt and jeans for something more comfortable.

c _ome here?_ _need a hug_ is all it says,  but Kyungsoo’s already pushing his phone into his pocket, keys in hand as he exits the same door he’d only entered five minutes ago.

_otw_

Baekhyun doesn’t reply, which only makes Kyungsoo walk faster as he crosses the road to Baekhyun’s dorm.

 

\-----

 

Baekhyun’s door isn’t locked. Kyungsoo slips out of his shoes, twists the door knob quietly. The room is dim, muted afternoon sun filtered through curtains illuminating the lump under the blanket.

“Hey,” Kyungsoo says, voice barely above a whisper, reluctant to break the quietness of the room. The only response he gets is Baekhyun turning over, arms tentatively reaching out. Kyungsoo crosses the room, sits down on the edge of the bed. Baekhyun’s arms come up around his waist, pulls him down until he’s half sitting, half lying next to him.

“You came.”

Baekhyun sounds unsure, and Kyungsoo tries to smile a little, strokes his hand down the flat of Baekhyun’s back.

“Yeah.” _Of course_ _I would_ , he thinks but doesn’t say. “You okay?”

A noncommittal hum comes from Baekhyun, which is answer enough, Kyungsoo supposes. He nudges Baekhyun to move, then settles himself so he’s lying on his side in a more comfortable position. Baekhyun adjusts his arms, one staying on Kyungsoo’s waist and the other somehow comes to rest against Kyungsoo’s chest, too close to his heart. It’s beating faster now, Kyungsoo thinks, but maybe Baekhyun won’t notice.

For a long time, they just lie like that, bodies turned towards each other, not quite touching save for Baekhyun’s arms on him. Their soft breaths are the only sound in the room. Kyungsoo’s eyes close but he doesn’t fall asleep even though the room is cool and the bed is warm and it’s not just because he’s still in jeans and a shirt. He shifts a little so the waistband of his jeans doesn’t dig into his side.

After a while, Baekhyun mumbles, “I have more comfy clothes if you want to change.”

The statement is simple enough, but Kyungsoo finds himself opening his eyes, blinking slowly to process it. Baekhyun noticed his discomfort, he thinks, unsure if he should be surprised or not. In the end, he decides to file it in the back of his mind, shaking Baekhyun’s arms off so he can stand up to change.

“Where?”

Baekhyun points to his chair where a large t-shirt and loose shorts are draped. They smell like softener, _freshly laundered_ , Kyungsoo thinks when he pulls the tee over his head, back facing Baekhyun. His flannel shirt has already made its way to the floor, joined by his jeans when he swaps them out for shorts afterwards. He kicks the whole pile to the side once he’s done.

“They’re gonna get crumpled,” Baekhyun says when Kyungsoo returns to the bed.

“’s fine,” he starts, but the words get cut off halfway because Baekhyun reattaches his arms over Kyungsoo’s waist, tighter than before. Closer. He can feel Baekhyun’s hip against his. A lump forms in Kyungsoo’s throat but he pushes it down. Ignores it. Instead, he starts to pat Baekhyun on his lower back gently, tries to be as soothing and comforting as he can without words since those seem to elude him at the moment. Baekhyun’s sad about something, that much he can tell, but he’s also in one of those moods where he doesn’t want to talk. Or so Kyungsoo thinks, until Baekhyun pulls him closer still, rests his cheek against Kyungsoo’s chest.

“He wouldn’t hold my hand in public today.”

 _Who_ , Kyungsoo thinks but then his brain catches up.

“Your boyfriend?”

Kyungsoo can’t remember the name of the current one though it’s not like he had tried to remember the names of all the others who’d come before.

“Yeah,” Baekhyun says way too softly and somehow that’s more heartbreaking than if he’d snorted _who else_ in typical Baekhyun fashion. Baekhyun is usually loud but he can also be soft, quiet the way Kyungsoo is or quieter even, and the Baekhyun in his arms right now is the latter. Kyungsoo feels like he’s holding onto glass even though he knows Baekhyun isn’t fragile.

“Oh,” is all Kyungsoo eventually says even as the words _ditch him_ threaten to roll off his tongue. He rubs small circles into Baekhyun’s back, feels his best friend relax a little even though all it does is make Baekhyun cling on to him more. One of his legs finds its way across Kyungsoo’s, hooks loosely around his calf. His proximity makes Kyungsoo simultaneously more and less comfortable. _Ditch him_ , his brain tries to get him to say, but what comes out instead is, “What are you going to do?”

Baekhyun sighs, the sound toneless and weak. “I don’t know.” He tucks his face into the hollow of Kyungsoo’s shoulder and his next words are muffled against Kyungsoo’s bare skin. “I still love him, I think. Why though, I don’t know.”

Kyungsoo’s fingers freeze mid-stroke at the words but he recovers enough to continue comforting Baekhyun. He hopes Baekhyun doesn’t notice.

“Love… doesn’t have to have reason,” is what Kyungsoo finds himself saying in the end. Baekhyun only shuffles closer to him, and Kyungsoo feels the dampness on his shoulder before he hears the quiet sniffles. When it turns into tiny shivers and ugly stifled sobs, Kyungsoo can only pat Baekhyun’s back through it. There’s not much else he can do.

“He… isn’t out. Doesn’t want to be, I think,” Baekhyun eventually says between still hitched breaths after he’s calmed down enough. His voice is tired and though a little of the tension in his shoulders has seeped away with the cry, he’s still curled tightly into Kyungsoo, face buried under his hair and against Kyungsoo’s shoulder.

“I’m…” _sorry_ , Kyungsoo almost says, but this is not his mistake to apologise for, even if it hits too close to home. There’s a reason why he always comes when Baekhyun calls but has never tried to be anything more than a best friend. _Maybe he needs more time_ , he would tell Baekhyun, but that could turn out to be bad advice. A lie. He’d only to look at himself to know. So what Kyungsoo says is, “Have you talked to him about it?”

“…not yet.”

 _Not yet_. Not _no_. His chest momentarily tightens and Kyungsoo has to force himself to exhale. He stops stroking Baekhyun’s back, runs his fingers through Baekhyun’s hair instead, as casually as he can.

“Go talk to him then. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon. You should sort it out if you want it to work.”

Baekhyun’s answer is a hum, the other leg not tangled with Kyungsoo’s coming to nudge his feet. Kyungsoo doesn’t protest but he doesn’t let it get between his legs either. Baekhyun ends up throwing both his legs over Kyungsoo’s calves, inching impossibly closer. It should be uncomfortable, their position on Baekhyun’s single bed, but the only thing that’s really uncomfortable is the feeling under Kyungsoo’s skin.

“Thank you,” Baekhyun says later, much much later, when the sun’s long set and they’re still in his bed, nestled together. The twinge in Kyungsoo’s gut is ugly though not unfamiliar, and he’s glad Baekhyun’s too close to see. Kyungsoo closes his eyes, strokes Baekhyun’s hair, and on an impulse he’s too tired to question, parts Baekhyun’s fringe enough to press a soft, barely-there kiss to his forehead.

“You’re welcome,” Kyungsoo mumbles, though he feels really anything but.

**Author's Note:**

> I've not been writing lately, but Crush U made me feel things I can't quite describe and long story short, I decided to put those feelings into something which is this fic even though I'm unsure what exactly these feelings are. This fic is more about feelings than an overall plot I suppose, and I considered tagging Kyungsoo as an unreliable narrator but I guess he isn't really that much more unreliable than other narrators in stories. I do want to point out that Kyungsoo actually thinks the clothes Baekhyun lends him smells like *Baekhyun* even as he thinks *softener*. But well. Unreliable narrator.
> 
> Anyway, I'll love to know what you think, and I'm also on [twitter](https://twitter.com/cian1675) or [tumblr](https://stillcian1675.tumblr.com/) if you'll rather talk to me there :)


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